Poop
Although I love the book I am reading - it is also making me think more about death than I would like...so here's the thing. I have questioned my religious/spiritual beliefs for a while. Since my mom passed I have been led to believe that there truly is a greater power out there. There were so many unlikely things that surrounded her death that I have no choice but to explain it via this higher power. Now the question is - what happens after death? Before my mom passed away, my bigger picture issue with religion started because faith and a god seemed to be an easy out to explain the unbelievable. I mean, to believe that there truly is no meaning to life is too hard for us to comprehend, therefore, having something to believe in keeps us grounded. So fine - I have had an experience that has forced me to take that leap and believe in some form of the after world. But last night I was having a hard time justifying to myself what that means. I do not want to accept that my mom is fully gone from the world. I thought I believed in some form of spirit that is left after death. But now I am doubting this. When you think about it, spirit is probably just the memories that we all carry with us and the physical resemblances left behind through her family. If this is true, then there really is nothing of her and just her left out there and that kills me. She is not out there watching over me and that is just not fair. I hope that I am wrong and the movie Ghost has it all right - having a spirit body exist and float away to a happy place. This spirit being able to see everything on earth. This is what I want. But I am *really* afraid that this is just a nice fantasy. Can I allow myself to believe in something that I have such strong doubts about? All of this turmoil in my head and what is the hardest of all is that I will never have an exact answer. No one knows the reality of death.
posted by chicajato @ 11:23 AM
2 Comments:
At 1:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
You're right that we don't really know what happens until we get there, but I think we can all have our own version of death and it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. I like to think that when people pass away they are up in heaven hanging out with their friends and family who went before them and just following what's going on with their friends and family down here - so, in my mind, your mom watches you, your sister, your dad, and everyone else so special to her everyday and can just follow you around from up above.
Thanks for bringing up such deep thoughts and sharing so much with all of us :)
Linz
At 5:08 PM,
Ambee said…
I think even if there is no real existence after death, your mom still exists in your memory (and the memories of everyone she touched) and you shouldn't discount that. When you do something she liked to do for you (like your enchiladas) or keep in mind what her thoughts would have been on things in your life you are keeping her a part of your life. I think that's a really nice way to look at it.
I too have many doubts about religion and the after life, as I have mentioned on my blog. My version of life after death pretty much amounts to nothingness, which used to really depress me. I think its something everyone individually has to come to terms with in their own way, but its great to talk about it with others. Especially after grieving like you have been the past year. I'm happy to see you start to open up about it more and I hope you know we are all here for you.
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